Starting is the only thing that counts…
Finding My Voice
Uncertainty of Acclaim
“…What matters in life is not whether we receive a round of applause; what matters is whether we have the courage to venture forth despite the uncertainty of acclaim.”
-Count Rostov, A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles
One thing is sure: there will never be a shortage of options for where our attention goes.
I can just as easily pick up my phone and spend 30 minutes in the endless scroll of social media as I can in the chapters of a novel.
There are endless choices these days.
Though it is a choice I rarely make without forethought, I can just as easily choose to sit down and write.
This morning, I am writing in an attempt to honor a commitment I made in a moment of clarity and aspiration; to share things that mean something to me, to shed light on my journey in the hope that it will brighten some small part of yours.
I’m not writing because I feel like it; I rarely “feel like it.” I’m writing because I know that I want to be a writer, and to be a writer one must write.
Today I showed up. It turns out that it’s scary for me to show up. Every. Single. Time.
Yesterday, I saw this quote:
“We grow fearless when we do the things we fear.”
I’ll let you know if ever become fearless.
What I CAN do is be courageous, despite the uncertainty of acclaim. Today, and again tomorrow.
And if you’re paying attention, thank you. I know you have endless options and it means a lot that you gave me a moment.
Just one more thing, before you go: what would you shine a light on today?
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Fragile
I worked to build the perfect house around me,
with big bay windows facing the sunrise.
Every detail was just so.
I knew just when to move,
just where to go.
Everything went according to plan,
for a while.
But it was fragile.
The wind blew a tree down
and my bay windows shattered.
The coffee maker broke,
there was construction on the highway,
things were delayed.
And nothing,
I mean nothing,
went according to plan.
I built my house on the fragile foundation
of how it “should be.”
Of course it crumbled.
Until I had a moment
(I’m sure it was a quiet moment, alone)
when I remembered
to build my house on the inside first.
To be with what is.
To connect to the moment.
To focus on what I can do,
instead of what is not as it “should be”
Here’s the thing: that story has been my story again and again.
I remember (I know) that my inner world, my way of being, generates my outer world. And I spend time building up my inner world. I journal. I meditate. I pray. I strengthen my connection to that quiet voice inside until we have a dedicated line to each other. And things get better. Wonderful really.
Then I forget. I stop practicing.
My life is going so well! Why not make it perfect? So I try to control all of my circumstances, create a fragile sort of utopia, for a while, and then things inevitably break down and I break down with them. Because I lost that inner connection. And now there’s no foundation.
Then I remember.
And it starts again.
I don’t want to forget this time. So I’m writing about it; about what works, what brings me joy and connection. What keeps me here to experience the time that I have. Thanks for reading.
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No Answer
Stay here. There is no answer there.
You can lovingly design the perfect morning here.
There you will worry about what happens next.
Here you are connected to what is.
There you are looking for something else.
There you can never do enough,
have enough,
be enough.
Here you already are.
Here you have abundance.
You have breath.
You have life.
You have moments.
There will be always be more.
All the things you gain,
the steps you take,
they don’t matter
if you are not here.
Come here. Be here.
There is no answer there.
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